I realize more and more each day that my mom is the one preventing me from moving forward with my life. She is literally the only person in my life that makes me feel like absolute garbage.
I've been successfully dieting and exercising for the past week and a half. Earlier she complained to me that she's been feeling like crap from 5PM to when she goes to bed. I simply suggested that she follow my diet and she immediately got defense telling me how I'm now a nutritionist because I'm dieting/a know it all/I eat horribly/can't afford healthy foods because we're too poor for that. She told me yesterday that she can't have an adult conversation with me because I'm a know it all and I'm truly not, at least I don't think I am. I suggest a lot of things to a lot of people. I suggest things that have worked for me. I have never once said any of my suggested methods are a guarateed cure.
I started a journal and I list all of the reasons that she gets mad at me that day and then evaluate myself/where I'm at in life/what my relationship with my mother is like. You'd think doing something like that would make you feel like trash but it makes me step back and realize what a ridiculous life my mother lives and reminds me focus on things that are important and most importantly, work on getting the fuck out of here. If we were still living in Florida, I would be living with Christina and thinking about that makes my blood boil. I wonder where I'd be in life if I wasn't still living with this woman.
And just before I realized something very important that I already stated before -- she is the ONLY person in my life that makes me feel like garbage. The only. The rest of the people in my life love me, encourage me to try new things, cheer me on when I'm weak, support me in all that I do and I'm so grateful for that.
I understand my mom is "depressed" and she becomes irritable because of that. I understand that it's a very VERY hard funk to get out of. I understand that it gives you no drive at all to do anything with your life. But it's been years now that she's treated me like garbage for most of the year and god damn it, I don't deserve it. Yes, she does nice things for me. She provides food, water, shelter, clothes, etc. Yes, we have our good days where we actually laugh together. She taught me right from wrong. Yes, I love her because she is my mom.
Do I like her? No. Do I think she's a good mom? Nope. I feel so bad saying that but now that I'm older I'm realizing it's ok to not like your family. It's okay to say you love them so so much but you don't like them at all.
And gosh, since this dieting+exercise thing happened I've been so much happier. I'm looking more and more into applying for jobs and where to apply and I'm so happy for myself for doing that. I really hope I muster up the courage to apply. Even if I don't get the job, I tried.
The other day she tried to talk to me, said she had "a lot of things she's keeping inside" and all I could do was uncontrollably cry and say I was really trying and all she could do was point out the things I haven't yet done with my life.
2014 is going to be different. I can feel it.
